"In their home, I was as sensitive as the millibars of the barometer nestled in my suitcase" Tree of Strangers, p101. Listen Here:
play.acast.com/s/two-lucky-bds/s1e12navigatingrelationshipsasadoptedpeople Released on June 25th, 2021 (run time 1h 29m 37s) this episode focuses specifically of issues raised by chapter twelve of Barbara Sumner's amazing book Tree of Strangers. In this episode Sande and Lance are joined by coach, counsellor, author and fellow-adoptee, Jo Willis www.jowilliscoach.com/. Note: As always the opinions presented on this podcast are not necessarily those of the author of Tree of Strangers, rather they are our take on her amazing book, and the issues that it raises for us as we read through it. The episode opens with Jo telling some of her story of her adoptive experience as well as her professional life and what drew her to the fields of counselling, coaching and social work. Jo also outlines how she came to co-author a book about adoption, Awoken: Surviving and Thriving through the Adoption Journey www.jowilliscoach.com/awoken-book. The discussion then moves to consider the impact that the adoption experience can have for adopted persons in forming meaningful intimate relationships, particularly considering the issues of vulnerability and trust. There has been considerable research around this area, including this research by New Zealand authors Julia Field and Rachael Pond. how_adoption_affects_the_experience_of_adult_intimate_relationships_and_parenthood.pdf Jo explores some of the coping mechanisms that adopted people can employ, and the difficulty with some of these distancing techniques - in that sometimes to protect ourselves from further rejection we might want to push people away - which only add to the isolation adopted people can feel. Consideration is also given to the difficulties that can arise for adopted people around reunion and what it is that adopted people are wanting from the reunion relationships. Jo talks about the reluctance of many adopted people "to let in love" for fear of being harmed, and the unconscious barriers that we can build around ourselves. She also explores the idea of the harm that occurs through the adoption process, and how this causes the primal wound. This includes the issues of silence, secrecy and shame that shrouded adoptions through the baby-scoop era and the way that this closed down any idea of talking about adoption or adoption related issues. Lance and Sande raise the issue of a lack of adoption-competent counsellors in New Zealand, especially when trying to make sense of the adoptive experience and the impact on relationships. Some useful resources and videos can be found on Jo's website: www.jowilliscoach.com/adoption-home. In the second half of the episode Sande and Jo explore some the physical impacts of adoption; including issues with digestion and the belly. Jo points to research in this area - where it has been found that there are strong connections between stomach issues and emotional turmoil - and the correlation for adopted persons. Some of this research can be found here: www.health.harvard.edu/diseases-and-conditions/the-gut-brain-connection#:~:text=The%20gastrointestinal%20tract%20is%20sensitive,juices%20before%20food%20gets%20there. From here the conversation turned to the impact of adoption and spirituality, and Jo explores some of her grappling with the idea of God in the adoptive experience in her search for self. Jo considers the impact of separation and the interruption that can occur, through the adoptive experience, in connecting to the "authentic self'. Jo then talked about the empowering Be Connected workshops that she runs specifically for adopted people. Check her website for upcoming offerings www.jowilliscoach.com/workshops. She also talked about how mindfulness and mindful self-compassion can be useful tools for adopted people as we try to make sense of who we are. For more information on mindful self compassion, and some introductory exercises, check out this great website: self-compassion.org/category/exercises/. The episode ended with an exploration of Jo's work as an adoption social worker. If you like our Podcast then you might also want to Check this podcast: As part of this episode we also highlight another amazing podcasts from our friends at That's Not Canon productions. If you are interested in having a listen you can find it here: The Misfigured Life Podcast www.misfigured.life/. If you liked it then feel free to share with your friends.
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"Its like I want to connect, but I'm afraid of you so I can't" Anonymous, quoted in Journey to the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness, Betty Jean Lifton, p111 Listen Here: https://play.acast.com/s/two-lucky-bds/s1e11traumaintheadoptiveexperience Released on June 10th, 2021 (run time 1h 02m 26s) this episode focuses specifically of issues raised by chapter eleven of Barbara Sumner's amazing book Tree of Strangers. Note: As always the opinions presented on this podcast are not necessarily those of the author of Tree of Strangers, rather they are our take on her amazing book, and the issues that it raises for us as we read through it. Sande opened the episode exploring the idea about reunion and the expectations around this process. Like many adopted persons Sande thought that finding her birth family would result in a great sense of reconnection and completeness, but this wan't the case. She wondered if this related to unrealistic expectations in the reunion process. Sande also grappled with the notion of "what was the need" she was looking to meet through the search process. The conversation then moves to the impact that search and reunion can have on relationships within adopting families and the complexities of the emotions involved. Particularly where adopting families might have difficulty understanding the need to search. Sande then considered the spiritual impacts of reunion and search for meaning. This lead onto a discussion around the Jungian Archetype of the Great Mother who can be both nurturing and destructive. Sande compared this idea with the disturbing image of the Hindu goddess Kali, the ultimate mother, who is both the giver and taker of life qz.com/1768545/hinduisms-kali-is-the-feminist-icon-the-world-desperately-needs/. Lance then reflected on stories in the Christian and Jewish scriptures that consider similar polarities, including the story of two mothers fighting over a child in 1 Kings 3:16-28 www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Kings%203%3A16-28&version=NIV, and another story in 2 Kings 6:24-30 www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+kings+6%3A24-30&version=NIV. This then led to a conversation about how many adopted persons feel totally alone in their experience, because of the fact that adoption is often not talked about. Sometimes this happens because it is a difficult subject for adopting families to grapple with, and sometimes because adoption trauma is simply not recognised. From here Lance and Sande explored some of the impacts of reconnecting with birth families, and the oft-times unfulfilled expectations, and also the strange and unexpected ones - such as Lance's experience of connecting with the "land of his people". Lance then makes the connection between his connection with the land of his people and the understanding in Māori culture where humans are seen as deeply connected to the land and to the natural world. In the second part of the episode Lance talked about inherited trauma perception.inner-growth.org/the-parents-we-never-knew-inherited-family-trauma-adoption/. In discussing inherited trauma, and the impacts for adopted persons, Lance highlighted the story portrayed in the award-winning 2018 documentary Three Identical Strangers www.latimes.com/entertainment/movies/la-et-mn-three-identical-strangers-documentary-20180702-story.html. This is followed by exploring studies cited in Tree of Strangers around the descendants of Civil War survivors being impacted by inherited trauma and the experiences of the descendants of first nations people of Australia living with "non-remembered" trauma which is transmitted from one generation to another (Tree of Strangers page 94-95). This then lead to a discussion around the individual impact of trauma. Lance considered his experiences in Afghanistan - where he felt that potentially his deep-seated spirituality helped him to deal with the traumatic things he witnessed there, and Sande then raised issues around the trauma of those in concentration camps. Research has shown that the descendants of concentration camp survivors also inherit trauma www.theguardian.com/science/2015/aug/21/study-of-holocaust-survivors-finds-trauma-passed-on-to-childrens-genes.
The episode ended with Sande asking Lance about where he felt that God was for him during the times of trauma. Lance talked about the complicated views he had of God. He acknowledged that he had a deep and abiding faith, and how his faith is important to him, but explained how he felt that early rejection has clouded his understanding of where God is for him. Sande suggested he read an article by the Jungian analyst and Roman Catholic Priest, Father John P. Dourley foundational_elements_of_a_jungian_spirituality.pdf. |
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