"From the time of Oedipus, adopted children have wandered through strange lands trying to recover that legendary place other people call Home - the place they started out from" Betty Jean Lifton - "Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness" p127. Listen Here:
https://shows.acast.com/two-lucky-bds/episodes/s1-e16-hear-the-cry-for-home Released on August 29th, 2021 (run time 59m) this episode considered two chapters of Barbara Sumner's amazing book Tree of Strangers - chapter 15 "Hear the Cry for Home" and chapter 16 "Oh so Lucky". Here are some of the things that came out of these chapters for us: Where Home Is Sande started by considering some definitions of home, including "a place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or a household", "a secure place of refuge or sustenance, for moving out from, and returning to." Sande then did some thinking about the 'homing instinct' that animals have, in returning home," because (as Lance points out) animals instinctively 'know where home is.' We then discussed the complicated notion of 'home' for adopted people. Sande talked about the British television series "Location, Location, Location" (which first aired in May 2000), and the fascination people have with the concept of "home" - a concept that is hard for many adopted people to connect with, because often home is linked with 'who we are' and 'where we belong in the world'. From here Sande considered the work of the British author and commentator Karen Armstrong who described how she felt when she felt disconnected from a place to call home. In reflecting on how this was for her she said that in many ways it felt like being a refugee, cut off from a sense of belonging. Sande quotes from one of Karen's books, The Spiral Staircase, where Karen reflects the following: "Looking back, I can see that, during those first few months, I was experiencing something akin to the culture shock of those who, for one reason or another, have been forced to leave homes in Pakistan, Palestine or Zimbabwe; and migrate to a Western country….Exile, is of course, not simply a change of address. It is also a spiritual dislocation. Anthropologists and psychologists tell us that displaced people feel lost in a universe that has suddenly become alien. Once the fixed point of ‘home’ is gone, there is a fundamental lack of orientation that makes everything seem relative and aimless. Cut off from the roots of their culture and identity, migrants and refugees can feel that they are somehow withering away, and becoming insubstantial. their ‘world’ – inextricably linked with their unique place in the cosmos – has literally come to an end." Adopted people, those who are placed for adoption at birth (or in the early years of life), have been removed (without consent) from their 'source of being' in the world. As such we can feel disconnected and cut-off, in the same way that refugees can feel cut off from their place of being in the world - their homeland. This led on to some consideration about how we (as adopted people) can make a "home" for ourselves through internal practices or by developing rituals that can ground us in our place in the world. Because, as Sande says, "home is connected to self." Sande reinforced the need to develop a 'spiritual' connection to home, rather than a reliance on a 'physical' place. The Source of Suffering From here the conversation turned to the 'source of suffering.' Sande talked about the idea that, every so often in life, we need to "throw the book at the wall" and consider things in new ways - including why we suffer. As adopted people it is easy to feel that being adopted is proof that there is something wrong with us. It is easy to feel that it reinforces our lack of worth. None of which is true, because in the process of adoption, the person who is adopted rarely has a say. Adoption is something that is done to us, rather than something that we willingly participate in. Risky Behaviours In the second half of the episode Lance considered the potential of harm that might befall adopted people from others who show us attention and acceptance (which we desire) and then potentially leads to harm when they let us down or prey on our vulnerability. As such adopted people can experience hyper-vigilance, which is a state of heightened alertness accompanied by behaviour that aims to prevent danger (check out this article about that www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/319289). We might constantly question others motives, or be on the lookout for signs that others will let us down. This can become taxing and exhausting, and can result in relationships being marred or sabotaged. The conversation then turned to the impact of 'adoption issues' in relationships, and how these issues can negatively impact other areas of our life. Being Lucky The episode concluded with a discussion around the "L" word - the word "lucky," and the very real sense that many adopted people have in feeling that they need to be grateful for their adoptive experience. The flip side of this, of course, is when adopted people do things that other perceive as being ungrateful - such as searching for birth families - and how this can often be viewed by others as showing a lack of gratitude.
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