“Trauma is personal. It does not disappear if it is not validated. When it is ignored or invalidated the silent screams continue internally heard only by the one held captive. When someone enters the pain and hears the screams healing can begin” - Danielle Bernock Listen Here: play.acast.com/s/two-lucky-bds/s1e13howmanytimescanyouchangeyourname- Released on July 9th, 2021 (run time 56m 53s) this episode follows a slightly different approach. While Sande and Lance focus on some of the issues raised by chapter thirteen of Barbara Sumner's amazing book Tree of Strangers, the first half of the episode is more "unplugged" as they explore the impact of reading the book, creating the podcast and engaging with the topic of adoption. Note: As always the opinions presented on this podcast are not necessarily those of the author of Tree of Strangers, rather they are our take on her amazing book, and the issues that it raises for us as we read through it. The episode opens with a discussion about the impact that engaging with Barbara's book, creating the podcast and grappling with the adoptive experience is having on Lance and Sande. Initially Sande talked about how she had a massive migraine after we recorded a couple of episodes, and this lead to a discussion around a chapter in Nancy Verrier's seminal work, The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child which considered the 'psychosomatic response to loss' (The Primal Wound p34-38). Considerable research has been done on the subject, and there are very clear links between trauma and other health issues, see: www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/emotional-trauma-mind-body-connection Lance explains how he is re-reading The Primal Wound after having first read it 28 years ago, and the fact that reading it again has been a very different experience. Lance does not hold back on explaining how angry he was when he first read the book, and how he is coming to it differently this time around having done 28 years of processing. Sande talked about the fact that thinking about the adoptive experience can be difficult at times, and can expose old wounds. As such it is important to tread gently, and to get support when exploring the impact of adoption. Talking about these things can bring healing (as the beautiful quote above suggests). If you want to reach out to us, you can do so via email - or through our contact page twoluckybastards.weebly.com/contact.html Sande describes this as developing 'tender resilience'. This then leads to a lengthy discussion about the review that is currently taking place in New Zealand into adoption law, www.justice.govt.nz/justice-sector-policy/key-initiatives/adoption-law-reform/ Initially Sande refers to part of the review, which discusses the impact on identity that can result from the adoptive experience (which links nicely with chapter 13 of Tree of Strangers). Together Lance and Sande then explore their feelings around how the review has the potential to miss the mark by not properly considering 'what has been' before trying to create a way forward. They think about the dangers of not addressing the harm that has been done, and compare this to other restorative and/or grievance recognition processes in Aotearoa/New Zealand (including issues pertaining to grievances related to the Treaty of Waitangi). Sande then makes a comparison between what is happening in Aotearoa/New Zealand and what has happened in Ireland as that country has grappled with abuses within the Church. Sande cites the wonderful work of Derek Scally in his book The Best Catholics in the World : The Irish, the Church and the End of a Special Relationship where he discusses the Magdalene Laundries, www.history.com/news/magdalene-laundry-ireland-asylum-abuse where hundreds of thousands of young Irish girls were sent during the era of closed stranger adoptions. The story of one survivor of these homes was turned into the award-winning film Philomena, based on the 2009 book The Lost Child of Philomena Lee by journalist Martin Sixsmith www.youtube.com/watch?v=rG3QP8foCvg Lance and Sande then reflect on Derek Scally's question "where did the harshness come from", which leads onto a discussion around the intent of the original Adoption laws in New Zealand, and the gradual twisting of these laws from their original good intent. [Note: Lance butchers the history of this subject here - here is a more concise and correct retelling]. New Zealand's first adoption law was created in 1881 (wrongly referred to as 1871 in the podcast). It was proposed by the Hon George Waterhouse, the seventh Premier of New Zealand. Waterhouse, the son of the Rev. John Waterhouse, a Wesleyan clergyman who was described as being someone of "somewhat liberal views". George Waterhouse was an adopting parent himself. The Act of 1881, and the subsequent Act of 1895 were passed in order that “the benevolent might find wider scope for generous action; and that the results of their generosity might obtain some security by law”. Both Acts had a child-centred focus, and ensured that any child who was adopted continued to have connections to their birth parents, their inheritance, and their original name - stating that "the order of adoption,...shall confer the name of the adopting parent on the adopted child, in addition to the proper name of the latter". These original Acts can be read here - 1881 www.nzlii.org/nz/legis/hist_act/aoca188145v1881n9268/ and 1895 www.nzlii.org/nz/legis/hist_act/aoca189559v1895n8268/ Of course, subsequent Acts (with the changing social mores of the time) obliterated the rights and protections afforded adopted people in these original laws. For a concise reading of the history of adoption in New Zealand check here: adoptionnz.com/?page_id=118 Adoption Review Deadline The first half of the episode concludes with some discussion around the short time frame available for making submissions to the adoption review. Written submissions must be filed by 5.00pm on the 31st of August. Full details can be found in the review document which is available for download here: www.justice.govt.nz/justice-sector-policy/key-initiatives/adoption-law-reform/ Lance also mentioned the story of one of the MPs championing the review, Paul Eagle MP for Rongotai and the Chatham Islands www.newshub.co.nz/home/shows/2021/06/labour-mp-who-was-adopted-and-has-an-adopted-son-welcomes-review-of-outdated-laws.html In the second half of the episode Sande and Lance talk about identity and the impact of changing names, which takes them both down even more rabbit holes. This leads them back to Nancy Verrier's work, and the idea of the search for and reconnection with 'self' that is at the heart of the adoptive experience. Lance and Sande then consider the unresolved grief that can occur for adopted people, and give thought to some ways that this can be addressed, including through ritual - which will be explored further in upcoming episodes. Mention is made of the incredible work of Winston's Wish in the United Kingdom www.winstonswish.org/ Lance describes one activity, known as the 'anger wall' activity (which is explained in full in the book Then, now and Always, Supporting children as they journey through grief: a guide for practitioners by Julie A Stokes, p113-114). This activity is designed to help people deal with the anger that can surround unresolved grief. Participants are encouraged to think about their anger and to write about these feelings, or draw them. These are then attached to a wall and wet clay 'bombs' are made to throw at the words/pictures on the wall. Participants are encouraged to throw the clay bombs repeatedly, sometimes releasing energy by shouting at the same time. At the end of the session the participants are then encouraged to take some of the clay and to make it into a model of something constructive which they connect with what they have lost. The episode ends with a final reminder about the need to walk gently with the experience of adoption, and to reach out if you want to talk. “People start to heal the moment they feel heard.” – Cheryl Richardson
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