As part of Adoption Awareness Month we have been creating a series of memes. One or two have resulted in really negative feedback by people who were offended by them. These memes have all been taken down. However, in case you find anything on this webpage, or our Facebook page (www.facebook.com/twoluckybs) that offends you or triggers you, then here is an article that may be helpful to read: theconversation.com/angry-social-media-posts-are-never-a-good-idea-how-to-keep-them-in-check-71016?fbclid=IwAR3PFfBMSKo3zQYGeta2mqhmxwl7cqeo5ai4AcUzBmG4Eh9kI4B1d2F8PSg
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Our updated logo for Adoption/Adoptee Awareness Month 2021, by the ever talented Andrea Lukin. Check out all of her work, and the specifically her awesome designs for Adoptee Awareness month for this year at Redbubble:
www.redbubble.com/people/alukin/shop This meme was created in response to a podcast episode featuring a friend of our, the amazing Australian Adoption advocate, "Vin the Adoptee". He spoke to the lovely Heidi Marble about his experiences being bullied as a child, growing up as a trans-racial adoptee in Australia, and also his experiences of engaging with the adoption community online. We can highly recommend the episode, which can be heard here:
https://www.pulledbytheroot.com/podcast/episode/4d68b150/vin-the-adoptee “We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.” – Randy Pausch Listen Here:
https://shows.acast.com/two-lucky-bds/episodes/s1e14theshortestepisodeever Released on July 23rd, 2021 (run time 7m) this episode explains why there was a gap in recording, following the tragic death of Sande's beloved pet and companion. In preparation for Adoption Awareness Month (typically celebrated/commemorated in November) we have been developing a series of memes. The idea behind each one is to create discussion, and to challenge thinking. You may love some, you may hate others. Regardless of how you react to them, we hope they get you thinking. As an aside, Adoption Awareness Month was started by the American Adoption industry. As adopted people we are reclaiming it as a month to raise awareness of the adoptive experience.
“Trauma is personal. It does not disappear if it is not validated. When it is ignored or invalidated the silent screams continue internally heard only by the one held captive. When someone enters the pain and hears the screams healing can begin” - Danielle Bernock Listen Here: play.acast.com/s/two-lucky-bds/s1e13howmanytimescanyouchangeyourname- Released on July 9th, 2021 (run time 56m 53s) this episode follows a slightly different approach. While Sande and Lance focus on some of the issues raised by chapter thirteen of Barbara Sumner's amazing book Tree of Strangers, the first half of the episode is more "unplugged" as they explore the impact of reading the book, creating the podcast and engaging with the topic of adoption. Note: As always the opinions presented on this podcast are not necessarily those of the author of Tree of Strangers, rather they are our take on her amazing book, and the issues that it raises for us as we read through it. The episode opens with a discussion about the impact that engaging with Barbara's book, creating the podcast and grappling with the adoptive experience is having on Lance and Sande. Initially Sande talked about how she had a massive migraine after we recorded a couple of episodes, and this lead to a discussion around a chapter in Nancy Verrier's seminal work, The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child which considered the 'psychosomatic response to loss' (The Primal Wound p34-38). Considerable research has been done on the subject, and there are very clear links between trauma and other health issues, see: www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/emotional-trauma-mind-body-connection Lance explains how he is re-reading The Primal Wound after having first read it 28 years ago, and the fact that reading it again has been a very different experience. Lance does not hold back on explaining how angry he was when he first read the book, and how he is coming to it differently this time around having done 28 years of processing. Sande talked about the fact that thinking about the adoptive experience can be difficult at times, and can expose old wounds. As such it is important to tread gently, and to get support when exploring the impact of adoption. Talking about these things can bring healing (as the beautiful quote above suggests). If you want to reach out to us, you can do so via email - or through our contact page twoluckybastards.weebly.com/contact.html Sande describes this as developing 'tender resilience'. This then leads to a lengthy discussion about the review that is currently taking place in New Zealand into adoption law, www.justice.govt.nz/justice-sector-policy/key-initiatives/adoption-law-reform/ Initially Sande refers to part of the review, which discusses the impact on identity that can result from the adoptive experience (which links nicely with chapter 13 of Tree of Strangers). Together Lance and Sande then explore their feelings around how the review has the potential to miss the mark by not properly considering 'what has been' before trying to create a way forward. They think about the dangers of not addressing the harm that has been done, and compare this to other restorative and/or grievance recognition processes in Aotearoa/New Zealand (including issues pertaining to grievances related to the Treaty of Waitangi). Sande then makes a comparison between what is happening in Aotearoa/New Zealand and what has happened in Ireland as that country has grappled with abuses within the Church. Sande cites the wonderful work of Derek Scally in his book The Best Catholics in the World : The Irish, the Church and the End of a Special Relationship where he discusses the Magdalene Laundries, www.history.com/news/magdalene-laundry-ireland-asylum-abuse where hundreds of thousands of young Irish girls were sent during the era of closed stranger adoptions. The story of one survivor of these homes was turned into the award-winning film Philomena, based on the 2009 book The Lost Child of Philomena Lee by journalist Martin Sixsmith www.youtube.com/watch?v=rG3QP8foCvg Lance and Sande then reflect on Derek Scally's question "where did the harshness come from", which leads onto a discussion around the intent of the original Adoption laws in New Zealand, and the gradual twisting of these laws from their original good intent. [Note: Lance butchers the history of this subject here - here is a more concise and correct retelling]. New Zealand's first adoption law was created in 1881 (wrongly referred to as 1871 in the podcast). It was proposed by the Hon George Waterhouse, the seventh Premier of New Zealand. Waterhouse, the son of the Rev. John Waterhouse, a Wesleyan clergyman who was described as being someone of "somewhat liberal views". George Waterhouse was an adopting parent himself. The Act of 1881, and the subsequent Act of 1895 were passed in order that “the benevolent might find wider scope for generous action; and that the results of their generosity might obtain some security by law”. Both Acts had a child-centred focus, and ensured that any child who was adopted continued to have connections to their birth parents, their inheritance, and their original name - stating that "the order of adoption,...shall confer the name of the adopting parent on the adopted child, in addition to the proper name of the latter". These original Acts can be read here - 1881 www.nzlii.org/nz/legis/hist_act/aoca188145v1881n9268/ and 1895 www.nzlii.org/nz/legis/hist_act/aoca189559v1895n8268/ Of course, subsequent Acts (with the changing social mores of the time) obliterated the rights and protections afforded adopted people in these original laws. For a concise reading of the history of adoption in New Zealand check here: adoptionnz.com/?page_id=118 Adoption Review Deadline The first half of the episode concludes with some discussion around the short time frame available for making submissions to the adoption review. Written submissions must be filed by 5.00pm on the 31st of August. Full details can be found in the review document which is available for download here: www.justice.govt.nz/justice-sector-policy/key-initiatives/adoption-law-reform/ Lance also mentioned the story of one of the MPs championing the review, Paul Eagle MP for Rongotai and the Chatham Islands www.newshub.co.nz/home/shows/2021/06/labour-mp-who-was-adopted-and-has-an-adopted-son-welcomes-review-of-outdated-laws.html In the second half of the episode Sande and Lance talk about identity and the impact of changing names, which takes them both down even more rabbit holes. This leads them back to Nancy Verrier's work, and the idea of the search for and reconnection with 'self' that is at the heart of the adoptive experience. Lance and Sande then consider the unresolved grief that can occur for adopted people, and give thought to some ways that this can be addressed, including through ritual - which will be explored further in upcoming episodes. Mention is made of the incredible work of Winston's Wish in the United Kingdom www.winstonswish.org/ Lance describes one activity, known as the 'anger wall' activity (which is explained in full in the book Then, now and Always, Supporting children as they journey through grief: a guide for practitioners by Julie A Stokes, p113-114). This activity is designed to help people deal with the anger that can surround unresolved grief. Participants are encouraged to think about their anger and to write about these feelings, or draw them. These are then attached to a wall and wet clay 'bombs' are made to throw at the words/pictures on the wall. Participants are encouraged to throw the clay bombs repeatedly, sometimes releasing energy by shouting at the same time. At the end of the session the participants are then encouraged to take some of the clay and to make it into a model of something constructive which they connect with what they have lost. The episode ends with a final reminder about the need to walk gently with the experience of adoption, and to reach out if you want to talk. “People start to heal the moment they feel heard.” – Cheryl Richardson
"In their home, I was as sensitive as the millibars of the barometer nestled in my suitcase" Tree of Strangers, p101. Listen Here:
play.acast.com/s/two-lucky-bds/s1e12navigatingrelationshipsasadoptedpeople Released on June 25th, 2021 (run time 1h 29m 37s) this episode focuses specifically of issues raised by chapter twelve of Barbara Sumner's amazing book Tree of Strangers. In this episode Sande and Lance are joined by coach, counsellor, author and fellow-adoptee, Jo Willis www.jowilliscoach.com/. Note: As always the opinions presented on this podcast are not necessarily those of the author of Tree of Strangers, rather they are our take on her amazing book, and the issues that it raises for us as we read through it. The episode opens with Jo telling some of her story of her adoptive experience as well as her professional life and what drew her to the fields of counselling, coaching and social work. Jo also outlines how she came to co-author a book about adoption, Awoken: Surviving and Thriving through the Adoption Journey www.jowilliscoach.com/awoken-book. The discussion then moves to consider the impact that the adoption experience can have for adopted persons in forming meaningful intimate relationships, particularly considering the issues of vulnerability and trust. There has been considerable research around this area, including this research by New Zealand authors Julia Field and Rachael Pond. how_adoption_affects_the_experience_of_adult_intimate_relationships_and_parenthood.pdf Jo explores some of the coping mechanisms that adopted people can employ, and the difficulty with some of these distancing techniques - in that sometimes to protect ourselves from further rejection we might want to push people away - which only add to the isolation adopted people can feel. Consideration is also given to the difficulties that can arise for adopted people around reunion and what it is that adopted people are wanting from the reunion relationships. Jo talks about the reluctance of many adopted people "to let in love" for fear of being harmed, and the unconscious barriers that we can build around ourselves. She also explores the idea of the harm that occurs through the adoption process, and how this causes the primal wound. This includes the issues of silence, secrecy and shame that shrouded adoptions through the baby-scoop era and the way that this closed down any idea of talking about adoption or adoption related issues. Lance and Sande raise the issue of a lack of adoption-competent counsellors in New Zealand, especially when trying to make sense of the adoptive experience and the impact on relationships. Some useful resources and videos can be found on Jo's website: www.jowilliscoach.com/adoption-home. In the second half of the episode Sande and Jo explore some the physical impacts of adoption; including issues with digestion and the belly. Jo points to research in this area - where it has been found that there are strong connections between stomach issues and emotional turmoil - and the correlation for adopted persons. Some of this research can be found here: www.health.harvard.edu/diseases-and-conditions/the-gut-brain-connection#:~:text=The%20gastrointestinal%20tract%20is%20sensitive,juices%20before%20food%20gets%20there. From here the conversation turned to the impact of adoption and spirituality, and Jo explores some of her grappling with the idea of God in the adoptive experience in her search for self. Jo considers the impact of separation and the interruption that can occur, through the adoptive experience, in connecting to the "authentic self'. Jo then talked about the empowering Be Connected workshops that she runs specifically for adopted people. Check her website for upcoming offerings www.jowilliscoach.com/workshops. She also talked about how mindfulness and mindful self-compassion can be useful tools for adopted people as we try to make sense of who we are. For more information on mindful self compassion, and some introductory exercises, check out this great website: self-compassion.org/category/exercises/. The episode ended with an exploration of Jo's work as an adoption social worker. If you like our Podcast then you might also want to Check this podcast: As part of this episode we also highlight another amazing podcasts from our friends at That's Not Canon productions. If you are interested in having a listen you can find it here: The Misfigured Life Podcast www.misfigured.life/. If you liked it then feel free to share with your friends. "Its like I want to connect, but I'm afraid of you so I can't" Anonymous, quoted in Journey to the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness, Betty Jean Lifton, p111 Listen Here: https://play.acast.com/s/two-lucky-bds/s1e11traumaintheadoptiveexperience Released on June 10th, 2021 (run time 1h 02m 26s) this episode focuses specifically of issues raised by chapter eleven of Barbara Sumner's amazing book Tree of Strangers. Note: As always the opinions presented on this podcast are not necessarily those of the author of Tree of Strangers, rather they are our take on her amazing book, and the issues that it raises for us as we read through it. Sande opened the episode exploring the idea about reunion and the expectations around this process. Like many adopted persons Sande thought that finding her birth family would result in a great sense of reconnection and completeness, but this wan't the case. She wondered if this related to unrealistic expectations in the reunion process. Sande also grappled with the notion of "what was the need" she was looking to meet through the search process. The conversation then moves to the impact that search and reunion can have on relationships within adopting families and the complexities of the emotions involved. Particularly where adopting families might have difficulty understanding the need to search. Sande then considered the spiritual impacts of reunion and search for meaning. This lead onto a discussion around the Jungian Archetype of the Great Mother who can be both nurturing and destructive. Sande compared this idea with the disturbing image of the Hindu goddess Kali, the ultimate mother, who is both the giver and taker of life qz.com/1768545/hinduisms-kali-is-the-feminist-icon-the-world-desperately-needs/. Lance then reflected on stories in the Christian and Jewish scriptures that consider similar polarities, including the story of two mothers fighting over a child in 1 Kings 3:16-28 www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Kings%203%3A16-28&version=NIV, and another story in 2 Kings 6:24-30 www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+kings+6%3A24-30&version=NIV. This then led to a conversation about how many adopted persons feel totally alone in their experience, because of the fact that adoption is often not talked about. Sometimes this happens because it is a difficult subject for adopting families to grapple with, and sometimes because adoption trauma is simply not recognised. From here Lance and Sande explored some of the impacts of reconnecting with birth families, and the oft-times unfulfilled expectations, and also the strange and unexpected ones - such as Lance's experience of connecting with the "land of his people". Lance then makes the connection between his connection with the land of his people and the understanding in Māori culture where humans are seen as deeply connected to the land and to the natural world. In the second part of the episode Lance talked about inherited trauma perception.inner-growth.org/the-parents-we-never-knew-inherited-family-trauma-adoption/. In discussing inherited trauma, and the impacts for adopted persons, Lance highlighted the story portrayed in the award-winning 2018 documentary Three Identical Strangers www.latimes.com/entertainment/movies/la-et-mn-three-identical-strangers-documentary-20180702-story.html. This is followed by exploring studies cited in Tree of Strangers around the descendants of Civil War survivors being impacted by inherited trauma and the experiences of the descendants of first nations people of Australia living with "non-remembered" trauma which is transmitted from one generation to another (Tree of Strangers page 94-95). This then lead to a discussion around the individual impact of trauma. Lance considered his experiences in Afghanistan - where he felt that potentially his deep-seated spirituality helped him to deal with the traumatic things he witnessed there, and Sande then raised issues around the trauma of those in concentration camps. Research has shown that the descendants of concentration camp survivors also inherit trauma www.theguardian.com/science/2015/aug/21/study-of-holocaust-survivors-finds-trauma-passed-on-to-childrens-genes.
The episode ended with Sande asking Lance about where he felt that God was for him during the times of trauma. Lance talked about the complicated views he had of God. He acknowledged that he had a deep and abiding faith, and how his faith is important to him, but explained how he felt that early rejection has clouded his understanding of where God is for him. Sande suggested he read an article by the Jungian analyst and Roman Catholic Priest, Father John P. Dourley foundational_elements_of_a_jungian_spirituality.pdf. "We've whitewashed stranger adoption for so long we've blanched the emotion from it. We're told over and over that there is no greater love than to sacrifice your child for the greater good" Barbara Sumner, Tree of Strangers, p87. Listen Here: play.acast.com/s/two-lucky-bds/s1e10abraham-isaacwentupahill Released on May 30th, 2021 (run time 52m 07s) this episode focuses specifically of two key issues: the rights of adopted persons and the potential of restorative justice practices to enhance wellbeing for those involved in the adoptive experience. Rights of Adopted Persons The episode opened with a discussion of the rights of adopted persons. In Tree of Strangers Barbara Sumner details how she felt following the reunion with one of her biological grandparents, and they discussed the death of her biological mother. Barbara noted that she felt that "she did not belong to me in any way. I was an interloper. To know my mother was not a right. It was a favour", p85. This experience is mirrored by many adopted persons as they seek to reconnect with the family that they have lost. However, while finding birth parents can be problematic for adopted persons, and while reunions can be fraught and difficult, reunion is something that many people who have been been donor-conceived will never achieve, as is outlined in this recent article: www.stuff.co.nz/national/politics/opinion/125225832/gaping-holes-in-law-covering-info-for-donorconceived-people#:~:text=Sperm%20floating%20to%20the%20ovule.&text=The%20HART%20law%20mandated%20that,access%20once%20they%20turned%2018. The authors of this poignant article note that, while advisory committees have been created to discuss the issues surrounding donor-conception, to date none of these committees have sought input from any donor-conceived people. In many ways this is similar to successive considerations of adoption legislation which often fails to consider the voice of adopted persons. Also in the news during the week was an article about calls in the United Kingdom for an apology into forced adoption practices during the baby scoop era. Forced adoptions in the UK have been described, by many impacted by the practice, as "state sanctioned abuse". www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/may/27/uk-forced-adoption-state-sanctioned-abuse-unmarried-mothers In response to calls for some form of action or response to this, the UK Government has agreed to investigate forced adoption practices www.bbc.com/news/uk-57274323 While an apology was made by the Federal Government in Australia on 21 March, 2013 an inquiry is currently underway there into forced adoptions and the impact that this has had on those involved. Barbara recently spoke about this in an interview on Radio New Zealand. www.rnz.co.nz/national/programmes/lately/audio/2018796091/hopes-aust-forced-adoption-inquiry-could-influence-nz-lawmakers Following the 2013 apology, some resources were made available to people impacted by forced adoptions in Australia, but many feel that this does not go far enough to address the issues. A full copy of the 2013 apology, along with information about the current inquiry and links to the resources for those impacted by forced adoptions in Australia can be found here: www.dss.gov.au/our-responsibilities/families-and-children/programs-services/forced-adoption-practices To date, despite repeated calls for similar investigations to occur in New Zealand, successive New Zealand Governments have made no attempts to consider the issue. Restorative Justice Following on from this discussion Sande explored the story of Abraham and Isaac, as referenced by Barbara in her book. The story of Abraham and Isaac (which is found in Genesis 22:1-19) is complex and nuanced. www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis%2022%3A1-19&version=NRSV Like all stories in the Christian scriptures, this is a story that should not be read literally, but rather in context. In exploring the story Sande references some thinking that the late Lord Jonathan Sacks has done on the passage. His thoughts can be found here rabbisacks.org/vayera-5771-the-binding-of-isaac-a-new-interpretation/ Needless to say the story has multiple layers of meaning. Often it is a passage that is used to reinforce the narrative of willing sacrifice, a narrative that was carefully (and cruelly) woven through adoptive practices around the world - suggesting that sacrificing (or giving up a child) was the greatest gift that a mother could make. Sande then explored the potential of applying restorative justice practices to the adoptive story. While the restorative justice process falls within a typically legal framework, Sande asked us to consider how this might be applied to the experience of exploring the impact of the adoptive experience. This will be the focus of a future episode. You can learn more about the use of restorative justice within a legal framework here: www.justice.govt.nz/courts/criminal/charged-with-a-crime/how-restorative-justice-works/ Auckland Writers Festival 2021 Mention was also made of Barbara's presentation at the 2021 Auckland Writers Festival. Her powerful talk can be seen here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=UruFej2HZuA
You Might want to Check these podcasts out:
As part of this episode we also highlight another amazing podcasts from our friends at That's Not Canon productions. If you are interested in having a listen you can find it here: The Floof and Pupper Podcast (a podcast about all things doggy) thatsnotcanon.com/floofandpupper If you liked it then feel free to share with your friends. "When you grow up in a vacuum without transparency or truth, fabrication is your only refuge. As a child, I invented stories about my mother. She was famous, of course, a musician, a painter, a scientist. She was every passing thing thing I ever wanted to be" - Barbara Sumner, Tree of Strangers, p79. Listen Here: play.acast.com/s/two-lucky-bds/s1e9fantasy-imagination-theadoptivemind Released in the week following Mother's Day, Lance and Sande start Episode 9, released on May 15th, 2021 (run time 51m 32s) by talking about the impact of Mother's Day those who are part of the adoptive journey. Note: We found this helpful article for those who find Mother's Day hard lavenderluz.com/how-to-survive-mothers-day/ In this episode Sande and Lance continue their journey through the book Tree of Strangers by New Zealand author Barbara Sumner. In reality listeners don't need to have read the book to enjoy the podcast, as we use it as a springboard for ideas and themes raised in each chapter. Initially Sande and Lance talk about what it means to be agnostic, which is the way Barbara describes herself, and Sande refers to an Anglican Bishop who considers himself an agnostic. To read more about his views check out this news article: www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/im-no-wishy-washy-non-believer/5HOQE4JCBC63HUBIVRXER4ILTE/ or this useful explanation: www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-secular-life/201906/what-does-agnostic-mean The conversation the turned to the role and place of fantasy and use of imagination for the adopted. Barbara asks the question, in her book, "does adoption cause a vivid imagination? Filling the gap between the know and unknown with fantasy" (p78). One piece of research that we found that speaks into this in some way can be accessed here. While it is not a definitive exploration of the subject, there are some helpful and thought provoking ideas to be considered. esource.dbs.ie/bitstream/handle/10788/1350/ba_alvey_r_2013.pdf?sequence=1&isAllowed=y This leads onto discussion around the impacts of not knowing where we come from, and the disconnect with our origins and the impact on genealogical connections. They consider the importance of these. Then the conversation movs to language, and the beautiful Welsh concept of hiraeth (which can be translated "half forgotten - fraction remembered"). At its heart this term describes a longing for home, or a longing for what has been lost or is missing and we consider the impact that this concept has on the adopted self, and the dismemberment that occurs through adoption. Here is a poem that tries to describe what this term means: people.engr.tamu.edu/davis/Poetry/hiraeth.html Sande then makes connections between this concept and the Jungian understandings of the mother-child relationship (as explained in this quote form Jung: This then leads on to the controversial topic of the rehoming of adopted persons. This issue was recently highlighted after an American vlogger opted to rehouse the child they adopted from China because of his special needs www.thecut.com/2020/08/youtube-myka-james-stauffer-huxley-adoption.html
The episode concludes with discussion around a poignant painting by José Ferraz de Almeida Júnior entitled Saudade, painted in 1899 summerswildling.com/saudade-by-almeida-junior/ which Barbara refers to in her book. The word Saudade is described as a longing – a profound melancholy – for what was. But it goes deeper than that: Its a “love that remains” after someone is gone; an emptiness for the buried knowledge that the object of longing – a family member, a homeland, an unborn baby, a lost lover – will never return. It is a powerful word and what a powerful painting, which speaks to the very heart of the adoptive experience. The painting could very easily be of any birth mother as she contemplates the reality of relinquishing a child. The explanation of the word saudade can instantly bring up very strong emotions for those who were adopted – we inherently know exactly what saudade means. It is the hurt inside that we don’t speak about for fear of breaking down. It’s a crack that sits right in the heart of your body. A pain that won’t leave but so ingrained as a part of who you are that you would never want it to leave, even if you could wish it away. A poignant and haunting image of the adoptive reality. Sande contemplates the reality that, for many adopted people, we feel trapped in this place of loss, and considers what it might be if we were able to move beyond it. This leads on to a comparison of the adoptive experience and the concept of complicated grief. The episode concludes with consideration of the impact of adoption when adoptions occur cross-culturally, and some work being done in Aotearoa/New Zealand to explore the impact of this: thespinoff.co.nz/atea/atea-otago/18-03-2021/finding-whakapapa-the-generational-trauma-of-closed-maori-adoptions/ You Might want to Check these podcasts out: As part of this episode we also highlight two other amazing podcasts from friends we know. If you are interested in having a listen you can find them here: Castology (a podcast that reviews great podcasts) thatsnotcanon.com/castology The Bros & Brews Podcast play.acast.com/s/the-bros-n-brews-podcast. If you are interested, check them out and share with your friends. |
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